Having Conversations with your Daughter-In-Law: Planting Positivity

Episode #031

Sendy Mom Kaitlyn Brouwer my daughter-in-law, violinist, homesteader

Meet my Guest

Kaitlyn Brouwer is a homesteader, musician, and mother of three who believes growth starts from the inside out. Whether she’s nurturing her garden, raising confident kids, or building strong in-law relationships, Kaitlyn brings courage and creativity to everything she does. She’s a Sendy Mom through and through—willing to try new things, embrace imperfection, and grow something beautiful in the process. Kaitlyn is also my Daughter-in-Law.

Building Relationships with In-Laws

Relationships are tricky. Family relationships can be incredibly sticky, and when you add an in-law to the mix—someone who was raised in different circumstances and with different values—it can add confusion, misunderstanding, resentment, and all kinds of emotions.

I’m in the process of figuring out how to navigate these waters. Here are some of the things I’m learning about having a good relationship with your in-laws.

The Mother-in-Law

My mother-in-law wrote a book about in-laws. In the book, she talks about her experience with her own mother-in-law and how she tried to do it differently. Ha! It didn’t matter. I still had confusion, misunderstanding, resentment, and a host of other emotions about my mother-in-law.

The family I married into is very Dutch. They are opinionated and honest. I actually really love the authenticity, but it was pretty off-putting when I was a new bride. I was jealous of my sister-in-law for years because my mother-in-law would praise her so much. I felt that she was comparing her to me.

Yes. I finally realized it was her way of expressing love for all of her family. I think she just likes saying nice things about people behind their backs.

The Daughter-in-Law

I have incredible in-laws. My children have done a wonderful job choosing partners. We all try to do it differently and better than the generation before—that’s actually the point. If our society is going to progress, we need to keep improving.

It’s natural to reject the generation before as being archaic, uninformed, judgmental, and misguided. As the mother-in-law, this is a dangerous place to be. You have wisdom from experience. You’ve sacrificed, taught, pleaded, and been through so much with your child. As a mother, you want your child to progress and be part of a new family: him and his wife. And you really have no control over either of them.

3 Ways to Have a Good Relationship with Your In-Laws

1. Giving Unsolicited Advice

We’ve been told so often to never give unsolicited advice.

When I was a young wife and mother, I wanted to make my parents and in-laws happy. I never wanted to disappoint them. I would get very defensive when either would give me advice because it made me feel weak and untrusted.

I wanted the older adults in my life to be proud of me. This translated as, “If they don’t agree with me, I must be doing something wrong.” I was insecure. It was my choice to take their advice and integrate it into my life or let it go, but my insecurities made it difficult for me to feel like I would ever measure up. The helpful advice was often taken as criticism. If you want to be helpful, just ask your Daughter-in-Law how you can help.

Mother-in-Law: Wisdom is knowing when to speak and when to be silent. Most well-intentioned advice will do more damage so turn questions back to her and validate her answers. The way she decides to do things may be different than how you did it. Ignore the things you don’t agree with. Instead of giving advice, try asking how you can help her.
Daughter-in-Law: Don’t expect your MIL to never share advice. Avoid taking offense. What you take as criticism might just be her way of seeking a deeper connection. Ask for advice sometimes. If it doesn’t apply, let it go.

2. You’re Not Gaining a Daughter

We often say, “I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a daughter.” This isn’t really true. Your DIL has a mother. You will not be replacing her. And you will no longer be the most important woman in your son’s life.

Your son and DIL are beginning their own beautiful family. They need all the support and love they can get as they gain confidence as adults. Stepping in and trying to “mother” either of them could lead to disaster and prevent them from connecting and trusting each other.

Mother-in-Law: Stay out of their relationship. If your son talks to you about it, tell him you love and trust them both. Then ask him to talk to his wife about it. Even if you think you’re being helpful, if it’s about their relationship, it won’t be helpful. Find common interests and things your DIL is passionate about, and talk about those instead.
Daughter-in-Law: Your relationship with your husband will be better if you can avoid talking to other people—including your parents or in-laws—about him. Talk to your husband if you’re having big feelings about something he’s doing or not doing. Be interested in your MIL and the things she’s passionate about. Talk about things you both have in common.

3. Being “Sendy” in a Relationship Means Trying

I’ve told both my son-in-law and daughter-in-law that we have a long relationship ahead of us and that they’ll get used to me.

I used to try to change myself to fit in with my in-laws expectations—my MIL and DIL. I just wanted to make everyone happy. I don’t think that’s possible—and it’s awfully presumptuous to think I can make anyone happy. We’ve all said mean things and needed to apologize.

Mother-in-Law: Be patient and resist the impulse to take offense. Apologize if you’ve hurt someone and continue to communicate. Your DIL and son—and you, for that matter—are “not done yet.” Give each other grace and time to gain life experience.
Daughter-in-Law: Be patient and resist the impulse to take offense. You also need to apologize when you’ve hurt someone or clarify if there’s been a misunderstanding. Recognize that your MIL is not perfect but is trying. You might have to let some things go, but don’t give up.

Conclusion

It takes serious humility to recognize your weaknesses in relationships and seek to make them better. I have a lot to learn. Choosing to love your in-laws and being open to their way of doing things will help you develop a loving relationship that will include the whole family.

I’d love to know your experience with in-laws. Please share some of the positive things you’ve learned about being an in-law and how to create relationships that last.

Bonus:

I asked my mother and mother-in-law to give me their best advice for being a good mother-in-law.

My Mom: I suppose my best advice might go something like this. Remember your son or daughter fell in love and married someone who has many good qualities, but was raised in a different family. As they grow as a couple and family, they will establish their own family culture, which may be different than your own. Usually it’s a good combination of their two families plus their own adaptations. Notice the positive and cheer them on. Don’t make negative comments or give unsolicited advice. Be kind. Be a good example by living a good life, like a disciple of Christ. Repeat their independence and boundaries. Set your own boundaries or limitations if needed. Focus on common interests. Have realistic expectations. Be patient and accepting as you develop your relationship. Be loyal and keep confidences. Reinforce the positive and ignore the negative.

My Mother-in-Law: I think I have learned a bit about being a Mother-in-Law. I have slowly come to realize that you just have to expect that your place is not as a confidante to your son now taken over by another woman. So you better try to understand what it is that makes him love her more than he loves you! Remember that he’s going to build a life with her, so you better start getting to know her, refrain from criticizing and see her through your son’s eyes.