The one thing you need to know up front is that you can learn to be an illuminator and today, I’m going to teach you the one thing you can start doing immediately. I’ll explain the differences between a diminisher and an illuminator and then give you the 3 steps to becoming an illuminator. And if you want more of a deep dive, join my beta program Still Sendy for retirees who aren’t totally sure what their role is now that their husband is home all the time. Go to sendymom.com/freecoaching. There are only a few seats available. We start in October. 

I hosted a book club meeting last week. One of my friends who came I hadn’t seen or talked to her for a couple of months. But when she saw me, her eyes lit up, she had a huge smile on her face and she came over and pulled me into the biggest bear hug I had been given in a long time. Probably since the last time I had seen her. In fact we nearly butted our heads together it was so aggressive. I hugged her back with equal ferocity and I love her dearly. 

She asked me about my life and we were suddenly into a rhythm of mutual love and respect. She brings out the best in me.

If you’re taking notes about how to be a better friend, you might write down things from that interaction like:

1. Smile more
2. Physical touch
3. Ask more questions about others

That is not what I want you to take away from this podcast episode.

I read this book by David Brooks “How to Know a Person”. His insights are really valuable and I have a little something to add that will make the whole process of becoming an Illuminator so much easier. Just so you know, I haven’t mastered any of these. I still fall a lot into each of these roles. But sometimes I’m an illuminator. I’ll just keep trying. I guess that’s what it means to be Sendy. I thought you might be interested in being a part of my journey.

To understand what an Illuminator is, you first have to understand what a Diminisher is. We actually operate from both. Some days I am illuminating and sometimes I’m diminishing. When I’m illuminating, I feel lighter. I feel peace. I feel love and I feel loved, so personally, I’d rather be in that illuminator place more often.

Maybe you’ve never been in the diminisher role like me, but see if you can relate to this or know somebody who has.

1. The egoist – Somebody who believes they are more important than anyone in the room and that everyone wants to hear their opinions about everything. It is a self-centered place. Don’t be too hard on the egoist though because for me, when I’m there it’s usually because of insecurity. It’s really difficult to think about other people when your thought is. “What are they going to think of me? I better entertain everyone with some stories so they’ll like me” Or “I better have something intelligent to say. I’m going to say it right now so people will think I’m smart.”
2. This last part is actually coming more from anxiety about what other people think. Also a self-centered place but you might feel a little more empathy for this person. In any case, when you are having these thoughts, you generally feel insecure and either talk too much or not enough and people walk away feeling unseen, because you’re only seeing yourself and your deficiencies.
3. A naive realist only sees what they believe as truth. They think everyone believes the same things they do. This is like the nurse who came into my mother-in-laws hospital room and told her she shared a birthday with Bill Clinton and started sharing why he and his wife were such horrible people. Before she could get too far into telling us the virtues of Donald Trump, I stopped her and let her know that my in-laws who live in Utah and are in their 80s are actually Democrats. 
4. I’m smarter and more complicated than you. It’s been estimated that humans have about 70,000 thoughts per day. I don’t know if that number is accurate or what people are actually measuring, but I do know that I don’t even know what I’m thinking sometimes. I have to sometimes sit down and think about the thoughts I’m having to see how it’s affecting me. I could see how I am a very complicated creature. I also have moments of brilliance where I think I must have landed on something nobody has thought of before. I’m sort of on to myself now though, because if that kind of complicated brilliance is happening in my human brain, other people probably have equal access to brilliance. People who think everyone else is lesser-minded clash with the egoist and the person with anxiety because as soon as they say something really clever, the more complicated and smarter person will think “I already know that. And I actually know more than you, and I will share my wisdom with you now” Then they tear you down with how much more they know than you.
5. Objectivism groups people into categories. Like my friend, the nurse who automatically looked at my 83-year-old mother-in-law who lives in Utah and assumed she must be a staunch Repulican. Generalism or Essentialism unfairly categorizes people before you have a chance to know them.
6. Then there are people who formed an opinion about you at another time and refuse to let that static mindset go. No matter how you change, they will force you back into that same role you had in their lives before. This often happens with parent/child relationships. I went to visit with parents the other day. My mom said just before I left. “Becky, I just don’t want you to change.” I hope I am changing. I don’t want to be that same person I was before. I want to be a better version. Somebody who is more compassionate, more loving, more honest, an Illuminator!

I told you about my friend Rikki who makes me feel seen. Do you want to know why it’s easy for her to illuminate? She doesn’t walk into a room and think I should smile at people, give them hugs and ask them questions about their life. She thinks something like “I am absolutely delighted in this person right here in front of me. I am curious about them. This person right in front of me has something they want to give me that is intangible and absolutely delightful and more precious than any diamond or gemstone. I can’t wait to find out what it is.”

It starts with what you are thinking. Where a diminisher is thinking “What can I do to make you look at me and see me.” An illuminator is thinking “You are so wonderful. What more can I learn about you.” An illuminator has opinions but makes no judgments because an illuminator has no idea how the person in front of them should live their life.